When IS the Right Time?
You live out of town. For years you have lived away from your family, for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, it is purely for school or a job opportunity, sometimes it is for a new adventure, sometimes it is youth catching you by the tail. But, you never go back.
Your life begins anew and before you look around you have developed a family of friends having left your family of origin (blood relatives) to “visit” and share limited experiences. Technology has surely helped us keep in better touch, if we choose, yet we really know we live very separate lives. It is enjoyable, for many and often for years. Then something happens and we want to “be there” or we want them to come to us. It can be an emotional time for us or for them. It can be a health issue for them or for us.
Do we ask for what we need even though it is inconvenient or costly or causes us distress? When IS it right? We may not know the answer. If only it was that easy to know. I have often been in this situation where I want to “go up North” and see that all is all right with my own eyes.
I want to feel and be a part of what is happening or about to happen. I want to help my parents or my siblings. I realize that time can run out. I find myself wanting to jump and go at the spur of the moment. I think…if only it was a drive I could take. I check airline flights and costs to see if it is feasible for me to make the trip. I call my siblings or my parents and let them know my thoughts and feelings. More often than not – much more often, actually, they say, “No, he’s really okay….you don’t have to come. Don’t come”. They don’t really understand that I WANT to be there even when I directly let them know. And I know that they would come to me, in an instant, if I expressed a need or a want to them…and they have. I know that they, too, have wondered where they may fit within my family of friends.
Over the years, they have gotten to know my friends as their family too, as I hostess gatherings when my family members visit. It has broadened life for all of us. I have come to understand that my family has figured out a system that works well without my being there. It is a necessity.
Although they don’t mean anything by their words, they are really telling me that I would be more of a chore or an inconvenience or might get in the way. They don’t mean anything negative by their message. I really do understand. I have learned over time, that my life choices have not included them daily and we have all coped with the distance. Everyone has taken on their own family role and we each look for something different from each other. Sometimes my role is “bystander”.
Over the years, it has been an uncomfortable space to sit yet I am very respectful that I have become a visitor of sorts and that change happens to account for my presence. It doesn’t make me feel bad or sad or not wanted yet it has taken a long time to get used to the changing location of my role in my family. I have learned to be respectful of their own ways of doing things and their own needs. So, when is it right for me to go? My answer has become when I need it for myself and I am willing to live comfortably in their world.
